Message #70: From: AzTeC SW Archaeology SIG To: "'Matthias Giessler'" Subject: Bill Gates and the SHPO Date: Wed, 05 Feb 97 10:47:00 MST Encoding: 56 TEXT From: Jane Kolber "BILL GATES GOES TO HELL" Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?" St Peter: "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St Peter. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St Peter. "Fine," retorted St Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?" "That was a demo," replied St Peter. "The released version has a few bugs." [SASIG Ed. Reply ] : Funny stuff, Jane. Of course, given a similar decision, the archaeologist went to hell and found all the rock art desired, pyramids, jade masks, burned pit houses with skeletons, radiocarbon datable materials from in situ contexts -- friendly, comely co-workers who knew statistics and how to write -- and unlimited beer -- all the things an archaeologist might dream of. The archaeologist selected Hell. Later St Peter found her shackled in a cubicle, next to a noisy photocopy machine and a dirty restroom, with no budget and no permission to do fieldwork !! She complained that this wasn't the Hell she had previously visited. St Peter replied : "Ah you were only in the sample unit. But since you seemed to understand sampling and probability theory, We've made you the SHPO ! "